My Trans Voice

Trans Voices, a poetry and spoken word night by trans people, was amazing. I don’t think I can put words to how I feel about it just yet; I’m still overwhelmed and slightly shaking.

I’ll review it and the other speakers later when I am actually capable, but for now I’ll just say that it was so emotional and overwhelming to listen to them, and their experiences shared through their poetry.

I was not a scheduled performer, but I just had to have an outlet during the other performances, so I jotted some notes down and performed two of those poems as the penultimate performance. This post is for those who weren’t there, whom I wish to share my experiences with:

Losing yourself

—-

Sometimes I need people. I need people so they can be real instead of me.

I need to be unreal; I need to be fiction. I lose myself.

—-

I do not need someone else to be. I do not need to be “the old me”. I do not need to be “Jake” and “he” and the perfect grandson.

I am not your thing: I am mine. Even if I don’t always exist.

—-

I am unreal. Iris is not here. She walks through the door, exits the kitchen, and he is back. Jake. The one who never exists, who never existed.

That’s who they want.

Is that why I don’t want to be? Is it unexpected to lose myself, if you lose me first, Dad?


Begging, wheedling, pleading

Begging, wheedling, pleading

I am the denier, the gatekeeper
It is my duty to hold the line against
the hordes grappling and groping,
desperate to reach inside

He was a comrade in arms. He was
the first comrade in arms. She
showed me the place I didn’t know
existed so near; she showed me the
genderfluidity I did not know existed
at home

They were sweet and gentle; she was
a rock and my shield. Together we
repelled them.

What happened? What changed
hir? Why is she now one of
them?

Begging, wheedling, pleading
Ze is among the hordes
Grappling, groping, desperate to
reach inside

I am the denier, the gatekeeper
I force him out
The door is locked

He is the hordes
Discriminated against,
Kept away

Why am I now the villain?

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