Emotional outpouring in a series of tweets. Excerpt from my locked twitter account.
- I just feel conditioned to fill the mould of expectations but I just don’t fit it. Worse when “at home” with parents. Need to get out of it
- It’s weird. Feels like, “sure, you can be whoever you want! So long as you do it in this way”
- It’s stifling.
- only concrete example I have is hair dying. parents all supportive, and help arrange for someone to dye my hair… a “natural” colour only.
- I wanted and tried bright purple on my own but it just did not work. Wrong colour and patchy and didn’t take. Now it’s reddish brown
- and has been ever since. There’s no concrete “you can’t do that!” but something is making me unable to represent myself in the situation.
- I’m not trying to blame my parents in this; there’s just some frustrating imperative conditioned into my brain. “has to be parent-approved”
- I need to get out
- (of the situation), not like “I need to get out more” :P
- I need to find a job away from home so I can be my own person more. But I don’t even know how to do be my own person.
- This is one of the reasons I love you so much <friend’s name here> . That you can be your own person so well is amazing to me.
- And you help me do it too, but I’m still worried that I’ll just substitute you in, have the mould become “<friend’s name here> must approve”
- Out of all the shit that has happened to me, the conditioning for conformity has to be the second-worst.