The Open Cage

Emotional outpouring in a series of tweets. Excerpt from my locked twitter account.

  1. I just feel conditioned to fill the mould of expectations but I just don’t fit it. Worse when “at home” with parents. Need to get out of it
  2. It’s weird. Feels like, “sure, you can be whoever you want! So long as you do it in this way”
  3. It’s stifling.
  4. only concrete example I have is hair dying. parents all supportive, and help arrange for someone to dye my hair… a “natural” colour only.
  5. I wanted and tried bright purple on my own but it just did not work. Wrong colour and patchy and didn’t take. Now it’s reddish brown
  6. and has been ever since. There’s no concrete “you can’t do that!” but something is making me unable to represent myself in the situation.
  7. I’m not trying to blame my parents in this; there’s just some frustrating imperative conditioned into my brain. “has to be parent-approved”
  8. I need to get out
  9. (of the situation), not like “I need to get out more” :P
  10. I need to find a job away from home so I can be my own person more. But I don’t even know how to do be my own person.
  11. This is one of the reasons I love you so much <friend’s name here> . That you can be your own person so well is amazing to me.
  12. And you help me do it too, but I’m still worried that I’ll just substitute you in, have the mould become “<friend’s name here> must approve”
  13. Out of all the shit that has happened to me, the conditioning for conformity has to be the second-worst.
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